Saturday, 1 September 2007

Sorry.

Yes, insulting, it is. But not intended to insult you. Self depreciation. As always.
On a down at time, feeling small. Wanted to say something, but it wouldn't come out. All the words taffled up, wrapped round wrong and generally wound myself up/down wherever.
It really is not an insult to you Dr A. If anything it's a compliment, that even when I can't do whatever it was/is, I think of others that can/do, in this instance you, which offers self some inspiration/hope. And though the written waffle has little meaning there are grains, a sprinkle of dust...you ken?I find some of your pieces daunting.Grand ideas, big concepts, beyond me...This is not a reason to mock you, but to mock self. Thus the self mockery of no big words, though now re-reading the title...yes, I can see. My apologies are in order, and you have them, if you'll accept.



Really I just wanted to let you know I still exist, but I actually have doubts now and then as to whether that is true, don’t we all now and then ponder the reality of the real?
Not that it matters really, soon we will be dust, or less, and our names forgotten and deeds undone, indeed our deeds done and dusted. An end approaches we see it from birth, yet successfully ignore it. How wonderful to be so blind. Sometimes I crave stupidity, true mindless idiocy that ‘they’ would love us to be, just so I didn’t have to think about stuff I can do nothing about. I live. I will not live. End of story.
But then does any of it really matter, my ego would like something to remain, but then I won’t be here to give a hoot. Oh, and just why did they choose owls to be wise? I see no signs of wisdom in them, but then what would I know. I’ve thought long and hard about other things too. In particular: How do you see it? What motivates you? Why do you contribute? What is your message? These things…
How do I see it? Well, half and half, one day I’ll log on, pop in and think emperors new clothes. Then sit and browse or ‘surf’ and finally choose a random word, google it and from the first hit link hop until I hit porn, then I know I have had enough. Other days I log on pop in and think wow, how cool is this, look at this talent, the skills and minds and concepts and what the fuck does it mean I don’t know but it sure is pretty…
What motivates you? Nothing… facetious answer you cry! Not at all. I sit some days with nothing to do, no words wanting freedom, no sites to visit, films to watch or books to read. Then the sheer boredom of five minutes truly ‘my time’ drives me to do, well anything…fucking about with words and pictures. I hope this is not a mockery of your arts, that I deem to create stuff from boredom just to post to the artists…it’s not meant as such. Oh, and I have this odd passion for death or rather dead. Few places seem to accept that, but this one has, you’ve allowed an exploration and to a minor degree a shared exploration. I don’t really post a lot of the dead stuff…taboos in our society etc…
Why do I contribute? I was invited to share, and CJ said nice things about my pissing about with pictures. I contribute because…my ego was stroked? Fuck, that’s a lame reason…Partially true though. Probably more truth than I’d like to admit…hmm on the thought of ‘my’ ego, I wonder what Ruela came up with…He said one of my pieces inspired him, can’t see how, but then I have always been down on my efforts, after all they really are very shit. Rags for an emperor, sorry mate, we’d rather have a tailor in…
What is my message? Damn…this is where I fall. I have thought and thought and thunk again, thinking ‘till I’m stinking…nope sorry. I don’t appear to have a message. Not unless it’s a somewhat dark edge of just how fucking futile it all really is, but you don’t need me to tell you that. I like to murder in my poems, not that they are poems as only poets write those and I am not a poet, I like things to die, I like cutesy one like the watchers, the three daffodils sat by the road, it’s not a pretty picture, it’s a message of futile existence and death, sun rises sun sets… so maybe there is a message…not a very original one though, and not an inspiration, more anti-inspiration…oh well.

6 comments:

Mat said...

Wow, You're like the Anti-Mat.

That's really cool. I like it.

Russell CJ Duffy said...

wasn't being nice. being honest. we all have talent (by degrees). you certainly have and we both share a similar mindset. post those pics on death and dead.

Ruela said...

You go to see as briefly, more 8 days and already I can show, I cannot place the parts before the inauguration.
;)

murmurists said...

This is all weird to me, Inc. '...Big words...', '...in the style of...' ... feels terse, even insulting.

I'll email you.

murmurists said...

Accepted, Inc - and mine to you if I have cause any offence in any way. I am quite capable of being pointed, but I have never been in your case. I hope the email I sent explained my reasons for taking you to task over your turns of phrase - as it seems to have done. As I said, often straying into humour and deconstructing one's prose can cause problems, especially if the main aim of one's message is something serious. We've all done that. So, mistakes happen; and they are excusable - so no problem with accepting your explanation/apology. Personally, I've never been happier, and right now is the best time of my life. But I've had harder times; like we all have. So, I just hope your own hard times will pass. Meanwhile, I'll be hoping the odd thing I blog raises a chuckle. Fun is very important.

Best wishes & take care.

Inconsequential said...

I never got an e-mail....

???